Talk amongst yourselves

I have to apologize for disappearing on you this summer. There's been so much I should've been writing about! But here are a few topics I'll throw out to discuss amongst yourselves:

Britney Spears: Bad Mom or just Plain Crazy?

Paris Hilton: Apparently her recent jail time has made her re-evaluate her life. Word on the street is she wants to devote herself to charity work and to getting into David Beckham's soccer shorts. Um, yeah. I don't think Becks needs charity, Paris, but thanks for the offer!

Okay, okay, so that's all I've got at the moment. But, I promise I'll be back for more.

In the meantime, for those of you in or near Chicago, I'll be signing books along with Stacey Ballis and Laura Caldwell at Team Blonde in Forest Park tomorrow night from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. I believe their will be beads and such on sale, as well as books. It's supposed to be one fab girly night. For more info, check out: www.248bookclub.com.

Laugh It Up

I had a very strange dream last night, which I won't bore you with, but will say that it ended with me body-checking Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker's character from Sex and the City).

I don't know why this happened, but it could be because she's way too skinny and too fabulous and my subconscious couldn't take it anymore. I haven't even watched Sex and the City in ages, since it went off the air on HBO (much to my husband's relief. If he had to listen to one more Carrie Bradshaw voice-over, he would've stabbed himself in the eye - even the occasional nudity was not enough to make up for all the estrogen in the show, he said).

I might have dreamed about Carrie Bradshaw because I've been reading Jen Lancaster's new memoir ("Bright Lights, Big Ass") in which she derides the Sex and the City girls for making big city life seem so glamorous, when in reality it has much more to do with rat infestations and being broke than parties and top-shelf drinks.

By the way, if you haven't read any Jen Lancaster - YOU MUST DO SO IMMEDIATELY. Her first memoir, "Bitter is the New Black" will have you spewing Diet Coke out your nose (okay, a bit strange if you happen not to be drinking Diet Coke at the time, I admit), but seriously, she is funny.

If you're looking for other side-splitting laughs this summer, here are my top choices:

Laurie Notario (she's got her first novel out, which I am going to read RIGHT after I finish "Bright Lights, Big Ass").

Leslie Stella - (Fat Bald Jeff is one of the funniest stories about a surly IT guy, period).

McSweeney's Quarterly - This is a journal (read: anthology) formed by Dave Eggers, which is the modern definition of quirky humor.

John Hodgman (The Areas of My Expertise) - You know John Hodgman as the PC in the PC versus Mac ads, but in his book, he's cornered the market on dead pan humor. (My personal favorite is when he remarks that to be a bestselling author he needs to write a book about vampires fighting serial killers - you know, he's not wrong).

If you like Bard...

Okay, if you've read and/or like the Bard books, you're going to love Diane Peterfreund, who wrote "Secret Society Girl" and her latest - just out - called "Under the Rose." It's like Nancy Drew meets the Ivy League, and her books are completely and totally addictive.

She's having a live chat tomorrow in the Knight Agency chat room, so if you want to talk with her live and find out more about the uuber secret Rose and Grave society, head on over to www.knightagency.net, scroll down to the bottom of the page and you will see the “AGENCY CHAT” link on the right, it will take you right there.

Her books are far more thrilling than even Paris' jail antics (which, by the way, am I the only one who thinks she's a totally weenie?! And since when is ADD a reason to get out of jail? Next thing you know, PMS will get me out of a speeding ticket).

So, head on over to the chat room tomorrow at 9 and I just might see you there!

Book Signing Today!

For those of you in the Chicago area, I'll be signing books today at the Barnes and Noble at Webster Place at 7:30 tonight. I'll be appearing with Stacey Ballis (Inappropriate Men, Spinster Sisters) and Laura Caldwell (Burning the Map, The Rome Affair). We're all in that anthology, "Everything I Needed To Know About Being a Girl I Learned from Judy Blume."

Stop by and say hi!

See Jane Write

This should be the week of Plugs I Forgot To Plug, because, I have to admit there is such a thing as pregnancy brain. And, while I like to consider myself in an elite class of marketing whores, I have to admit that the nine months before December I was not at my marketing best.

Case in point, I forgot to tell you guys about "See Jane Write: A Girl's Guide to Writing Chick Lit" published last summer and written by bestseller Sarah Mylnowski (Milkrun and See Jane Date) and Farrin Jacobs (former chick lit editor).

If you're interesting in writing a novel, you can't get better advice than this. And I'm not just saying that because I'm quoted in it as an expert (honestly, I never thought I'd be considered an expert at anything, so this is a little bit of a thrill). Okay, I am just saying it's great advice because it's MY advice, but still. It's a great book for would-be writers and funny, too.

Everything's in Judy Blume

Okay, kiddos, for those of you who grew up reading "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret" and "Blubber" and snuck a peek at some older sister's copy of "Forever" have I got the anthology for you. It's called "Everything I Learned About Being a Girl, I Learned from Judy Blume."

And even better - I'm in it!

Okay, so you knew that was coming.

The book was edited by my pal and formerly fellow Chicago author, Jennifer O'Connell (Bachelorette #1, Book of Luke), which is probably the only reason I'm in it, considering the heavy hitters involved like Megan McCafferty (Sloppy Firsts), Meg Cabot (Princess Diaries) and Melissa Senate (See Jane Date). It also has the very talented Stacey Ballis (The Spinster Sisters) and Laura Caldwell (Burning the Map) and Beth Kendrick (Exes and Ohs), as well as Julie Kenner (Carpe Demon) and many, many more.

There's a lot of buzz about the book, and for good reason. Publisher's Weekly, Booklist, Entertainment Weekly, and most importantly People Magazine (I mean, if People writes it, it has to be true, which is why I do believe that Kate Middleton got a totally raw deal) all say you should buy it, which is way more objective than me saying you should buy it because I'm in it.

My humble story in the group focuses on the antics of my very-much-like-Fudge little brother, who may or may not forgive me for revealing that as a toddler he ate crickets and refused to wear clothes. But then, that's what sisters are for, aren't they?

Happy Mother's Day!

This is for all you Moms out there. You know who you are. The ones who are knee-deep in dirty diapers, spit-up or sippy cups. The ones who are shuttling kids back and forth from soccer practice, play dates and slumber parties. The ones who have lost hours and hours of sleep to teething, the flu or because you let your son or daughter borrow the family car for the first time. For working moms and stay-at-home moms, stepmoms and grandmas.

You are all my heroes!

Hope you have a great day. Now, go get your toes done! You deserve it!

Flabby Goes To the Gym and Other Post-Baby Adventures

Okay, so I have never claimed to ever really be "in shape." I am not one of those people who has any idea what they can bench press, and "spinning" class sounds to me like something to do with pottery.

I'll admit that in high school, I played for the tennis team. But, honestly, this was only to get out of gym, because in gym they made you run laps and in tennis, all I had to do was chase after a little fuzzy yellow ball. Occassionally. When I wasn't talking to the cute guys on the varsity squad. After all, I had my priorities.

So, having never really been "in shape," I decided, four months post-baby (a pregnancy during which I gained 40 pounds for my five foot one frame - and the 40 pounds is all I'm actually admitting to - what I actually gained is sealed forever in my medical records) that maybe I ought to join a gym. Our local gym happens to offer daycare and a few free personal training sessions, which I thought was perfect. I'll drop my darling daughter off, go do a few exercises with my trainer, jog around in my new, coordinating work-out outfits, and in a few weeks I'll look like Gisele.

Rewind to my first work-out with my personal trainer: after literally four leg lunges and five minutes doing stair-stepping exercises, the room starts spinning, my head gets light, and I feel like I'm going to pass out. Well, I wish I passed out. It would've saved me the embarrassment of hurling all over the brand new pristine floor in my neighborhood gym.

Yeah, apparently I was way, way, way more out of shape than I ever imagined. it seems that climbing a flight of stairs is out of my league at the moment. I'll have to work up to that by practicing sitting down and getting up from my couch.

Needless to say, I no longer have delusions of looking like Gisele. At this point, I'd settle for not passing out in the produce aisle of the grocery store because the cart is too heavy for me to push.

Luckily, typing doesn't require much upper body or cardiovascular strength, so I can blog and write novels just like I used to. Maybe that's all the exercise I need at the moment.

Speaking of work, I've just turned in a draft of the third Bard Academy book. It's called Moby Clique and it's coming out this fall.

I'm also starting a new adult book. It's still sort of a secret at the moment, but I can tell you that it's got both humor and a murder mystery at the center of its plot. More on that to come later. It won't be out until 2008. I know, I know - sounds like forever. But having a five-month-old means that I might as well be writing with a quill pen. I pretty much finish about a paragraph a day. Of course, that's when I'm not tossing my cookies at the gym.

If you're looking for a Cara-fix sooner rather than later, you can check out another of my short stories in a new kick-butt anthology coming out. It's edited by my friend, Jennifer O'Connell, and it's called "Everything I Needed to Know About Being a Girl I Learned from Judy Blume." It hits book stores June 5!

Credit Cards and other bad relationships

Ah, credit card bills. I hate them. If only my credit limit was actually what I had in the bank. Sigh. Actually, I've come quite a long way towards being a responsible adult when it comes to spending. I used to charge everything, especially shoes at DSW. I'm pretty sure in another lifetime I was Emelda Marcos.

If you want to read about my youthful days as a credit card junkie, check out my essay in "It's a Wonderful Lie: 26 Truths About Life in Your Twenties." It's edited by Emily Franklin, and if you're in your twenties, it'll make you realize you aren't the only twenty-something with problems, and if you're out of your twenties (like me), it'll make you feel old and wise. Okay, maybe not old. Just wise.

Mommyhood

Okay, so I have to apologize for leaving you guys hanging these past few weeks. This new mommy-hood thing has me sort of busy, which explains why - no matter how often I change my clothes - I always seem to be wearing spit-up. To solve this problem, my brother Matt gave me a white track suit, so that the spit-up wouldn't show!

One of you, however, did ask if I named Hana after the character in the Bard Academy books. I'll tell you that I've always liked the name, and after writing seven books, I found I used up a lot of the names I really liked. They all went to characters! And Hana was special to me, because it's a Japanese name, but also a common western name, and I figured since my daughter is a quarter Japanese and a quarter Scottish, it worked really well. And more importantly, my husband liked it (Unlike the other 20 names I really liked and he didn't). So, there you have it - the story of Hana's name!

Anyhow, speaking of new mommies, I have to say I really do feel for Britney. Normally, I am the first person to laugh at her gaffaws (um, barefoot in a trucker bathroom, anyone?). But I think there is actually something really wrong with her (First, Paris Hilton and now a shaved head? Eek!). I don't know if it's alcohol, drugs or postpartum depression, but when you make K-Fed look like the responsible parent, something is definitely wrong. So, I really hope she stays in rehab and gets the help she clearly needs.

In the spirit of reconciliation, I should offer an apology to all you blog readers out there who've been subjected to the x-rated spam comments posted on the blog. I've been slacking as Blog Administrator these past few weeks, and well, the not-so-good folks at Viagra and Hot Housewives and Underage Video have taken advantage. So, I'm sorry for all the lewd postings. I have to admit, it's kind of funny to read the "Dear Penthouse" kinds of comments. Just who is a fan of sister-on-sister action? Some guys are just such dorks. I'm so glad to be a woman, I tell you. At least my weakness is a good shoe sale and not lame internet porn.

Speaking of being glad to be a woman, my friend, Stacey Ballis, has a new book out that you MUST read! It's called The Spinster Sisters, and it's her best work yet (and given that her other books are hilarious, that says a lot!). You can read more about it at www.staceyballis.com.

Happy Belated New Year

Okay, so I've left you all hanging for the last month, and I have to apologize. I do, however, have an excellent reason for doing so, which is that on December 9, I gave birth to my first baby, a girl, Hana MacKay Lockwood, who weighed in at a hefty fighting weight of 8 lbs and 14 ounces.

Since then, as any of you moms know, it's been a blur of no sleep and scrambling to find that five minutes a day to brush my teeth. In fact, I'm sacrificing dental health at this moment to write this blog, because I have priorities, dammit!

I have no complaints, however, since I've been blessed with the Most Beautiful Baby In The World. Honestly, I feel sorry for the other babies out there. It's just no contest. Makes me think there should be a Baby Universe pageant, but only if Donald Trump didn't own it.

Speaking of, am I the only one out there who really doesn't care what he and Rosie O'Donnell say about each other? Honestly. It's like the blind fighting the blind. Or should I say the bad hair fighting the worse hair?

Anyway, on to more pressing news, which is the birth of my other child, the second book in the Bard Academy series, The Scarlet Letterman, which is now in stores. It's already getting rave reviews (of course, what would you expect from the mother of the Smartest Baby in the World?):

http://www.teensreadtoo.com/ScarletLetterman.html

Under the Influence of Paris

Okay, so I was hopeful the split of K-Fed and Brit meant a new era of enlightenment for the pop princess. Alas, this is not so! First, she starts hanging with Paris. And then suddenly she starts flashing everybody her c-section scars - and, as my friend once said, all her busy business. And I thought barefoot Britney at the gas station bathrooms was gross.

It's sad, really. I think she ought to take Rosie O'Donnell's offer to move in. She clearly needs some guidance from someone who doesn't have a sex tape in public circulation. Ee gad.

Then again, if she cleaned up her act, just what would I gossip about?

On book news, don't forget that the perfect gift this holiday for your wayward teen (or pop princess) is Wuthering High. Available in bookstores and online now!

And don't forget to enter the Win it Before You Can Buy it Contest to get your free signed copy of The Scarlet Letterman.

Have Something Nice To Say About Me?

... Well, by all means, come sit by me then. I love a good compliment. And the good reviews for "I Did (But I Wouldn't Now)" keep trickling in. You can read the latest at:

http://ritesofromancereviews.blogspot.com/2006/11/new-reviews-111106.html

And I swear I didn't even pay the reviewer this time!

Okay, well, on to more important topics. The split of Brit-erline. We all knew this day would come (I thought it might be a year and a half ago, but still. I wasn't too far off). I have to applaud Britney for finally dumping the poster boy for white trash, but I have to wonder just how dumb K-Fed has to be to let the golden goose slip out of his hands. He couldn't have been nicer to the Queen of Pop? He's going to be back in that studio apartment with 10 back-up dancers within the year.

As news of the divorce got out, K-Fed was in my city (Chicago) performing his new rap album. They couldn't give tickets away to the event. Apparently, there aren't any women in Chicago who wanted to risk the possibility of carrying K-Fed's next baby. This, of course, brings me to my next question, which is who is K-Fed going to knock up next? For purely investment purposes, I'd suggest Paris Hilton. She seems not to mind slumming these days, or getting in the middle of nasty divorces, so she'd be my number one candidate. Not to mention, it would be the perfect reality show in the making. And, if they got married, they could call the show "Feder-ella" or "Cinder-line."

Post Halloween Sugar Rush

Here's the sad thing about Halloween at my house: We don't get any trick or treaters. It's true. We live in a condo, so in order to get to us, the little tykes in costumes would have to buzz our door and head through two locked doors and up three flights of stairs.

This, however, does not prevent me from buying Halloween candy "just in case" some intrepid young trick or treater managed to find us on the third floor. Of course, in the meantime, my husband and I eat said candy. This year, I had to restock our candy supply THREE times (Since October 15, when I bought the first "just in case" candy, my husband and I devoured 2 bags of mini Snickers, one bag of Hersey bars, two bags of M&M's and one bag of candy corn).

I'm under the delusion that small candy bars actually have no calories. I mean, how can one single bite of chewy, chocolately goodness be bad for you? Even if, like me, you eat ten of them at a time?

Of course, this year, like all years, we had no trick or treaters, which made my last minute Snickers run yesterday afternoon a total waste. Of course, this just means more for me. Besides, given the fact that Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner, I figure I'd better eat up if I'm going to manage to get up to what I like to call my "Holiday Weight" which is a little like a bear's "winter weight" if bears ate mini-Snickers and wore sweatpants.

But, on the no-calorie front, I've got a new contest brewing at www.bardacademy.com. I'm giving away the brand new, never before read (except by me and my editor) sequel to Wuthering High. It's called The Scarlet Letterman and it won't be in stores until January 2007, but you can win your copy now!

We're all winners

Okay, maybe that isn't true, because there are definitely some losers out there, but I wanted you all to feel good before I announced the winners of the $100 Hollister shopping spree as part of the Bard Back To School Contest!

Since I had a couple of thousand entries, and only four winners, there are bound to be a few losers out there. But fear not, the only thing I ever won was a pair of Donkey Kong shoelaces from a Honeycomb Cereal box. They were truly the ugliest shoelaces I've ever seen, but I wore them with pride in fourth grade because I won them.

Congrats to:
Hollister Gift Certificate Winner:
Kimberly Bennett from Kunkletown, PA


Signed Copies of Wuthering High:
Nina Olszewski from Grain Valley, MO

Laurie Candela from Woolwich, NJ

John Lee from Hollywood, Fl

Be sure to check back to www.bardacademy.com in the near future because I'll be posting my newest contest - win it before you can buy it! I'm speaking, of course, of the next installment of the Bard Academy series, "The Scarlet Letterman."

The Scarlet Letterman

Hi all! I must apologize for leaving you hanging these past couple of weeks. My only excuse is, well, I really don't have much of an excuse, other than being easily distracted. Did I mention I have a short attention span?

I do, however, have the new cover for The Scarlet Letterman (the sequel to Wuthering High) which is out in January. Check it out. Feel free to tell me what you think. Not that I have any control over the art departemnt at MTV Books, but feedback is always good. And I would be remiss if I didn't mention that you can preorder The Scarlet Letterman on Amazon right now.

Also, for those of you itching for an interview with yours truly you can find it on a site called Veronika Asks.

Oh, and don't forget to enter the Bard Academy Back to School Contest for a chance to win a $100 shopping spree at Hollister. The kiddies these days tell me it's the place to get outrageously expensive overly worn jeans. Contest ends in about a week.

Premiere Week!

First of all, a HUGE thank you to everyone who braved the downpour and came to the Wuthering High book launch at the Magic Tree Bookstore in Oak Park this weekend. And thanks to the fine folks at the Magic Tree Bookstore - you couldn't meet nicer people.

Now, on to more pressing events. Like what's on my Tivo.

So it's time for the fall television season, and that means that my husband and I have been fighting nearly nonstop about what, exactly, our Tivo should be recording. Now, I realize that for the sake of our marriage, we ought to buy one of those ingenious splitters (the modern marvels that let you tape more than one channel at once). But I’m pretty techno-ignorant, and my husband has an allergy to shopping of any kind. He won’t even buy his own khakis, asking me to order them online for him, instead.

One of my friends have said that the key to her happy marriage is the fact that they have two separate (but nearly equal in screen size and quality) televisions in the house, so that she can watch Desperate Housewives while her husband watches football. I can see the merits in this.

Because my husband won’t just disagree about what we should be watching, but he can’t help himself but making a running commentary like one of those people you want to strangle at the movie theatre.

“You HAVE to be kidding me – who writes this stuff?” he’ll exclaim just as Meredith and McDreamy are about to get it on Gray’s Anatomy. Or “I am physically in pain right now, and if I watch this any longer, I may go blind,” as Susan tromps around one of her neighbor’s bushes in Desperate Housewives.

Sometimes he has a point (“Why do you insist on watching Amazing Race just to see the couples argue? We could argue right now instead!”) but most of the time, he’s just a guy, and can’t understand why I like love triangles, neighborhood intrigue and hunky supporting guys like Patrick Dempsey.

Now, to be fair, I do my share of groaning, too, like whenever he insists on watching a) old westerns, b) the old original Star Trek with William Shatner or c) football. When it comes to his favorite viewing pastime this season, football, I’m pretty mild in my criticism – I just fall asleep on the couch.

This, however, enrages my husband.

“It was the fourth quarter, and the score was tied at 21! How could you fall asleep?!”

What can I say? The roar of the crowd and the nonstop drone of empty-headed commentators (who say things like “The team that showed up to play won today” as if the other team didn’t show up to play? What? They came to knit sweaters?) just lulled me right to sleep.

And don’t get me started on Star Trek. I thought I’d outsmarted him on this one: he’d taken up so much room on our Tivo recording old Star Trek shows, that last Christmas I bought him the box set of the entire three seasons. Unfortunately, then he proceeded to sit down and watch them. And he wanted company while he did so.

If I never see Captain Kirk seduce another green-skinned alien girl again, that’ll be fine by me.

So, this week, I’m going to find out about that whole Tivo splitting thing, if only to save myself a whole fall season lineup of arguments. Besides, after watching Desperate Housewives last night, I suspect it might just be good again this season!

Wuthering High Book Launch Party

For those of you in or near the Chicago area (or those of you who love roadtrips) you are all invited to the Official Wuthering High Book Launch Party!

When:
This Saturday,
September 23, 2006
2 p.m.

Where:
The Magic Tree Bookstore
141 N. Oak Park Ave
Oak Park, IL

The first 30 patrons there will get free Wuthering High pens, so by all means, come by and say hi. I'll be doing a reading and then signing afterward. Come on down!

And for more procrastination...

And if you're looking for another distraction, check out my interview online:

http://slayground.livejournal.com/122683.html.

Another reason to procrastinate

You guys know by now that I am a huge fan of procrastination (UTube, E-Online, anyone?) so I'm always willing to pass along some procrastination tidbits for you so that you don't have to sludge through the workday actually doing work (I mean, isn't that what the hour of 2 p.m. to 3 p.m. is for? Actual work? Any other time should be spent suffering the web, IMing or emailing, in my opinion).

Anyway, the "This is Chick Lit" girls (including yours truly) are going to be on a virtual Q&A on a site called Romance Divas. We're starting tomorrow, but I think there are already some early questions being posted today. Anyway, log on, and ask any question you want. I promise to answer truthfully to everything, unless you ask me how much I weigh.

http://www.romancedivas.com/divaforum/index.php?showtopic=12775