Happy Holidays!

Here's hoping that your in-laws are on their best behavior and that if they're not, they're not at your house, you get no fruitcakes, the turkey doesn't burn, and you get everything you want (and receipts for return for everything you didn't).

Happy Holidays/Christmas/New Year/Haunaka/Festivus/Kwanza and Just Plain Happy to You and Yours.

Have a Holly, Jolly Slot Machine

So, sadly, I didn't hit it big in Vegas this past weekend. As usual, I lost all my gambling money the first night and then spent the rest of the trip trying to make it back. Only Vegas can make you feel like losing $100 instead of $500 is a victory. Take that Las Vegas!

But fortunately, there were plenty of "only in Vegas moments" (OIVM), which made everything worth it.

OIVM #1: Holly, Jolly Christmas playing at Caesar's Palace while actors dressed up as Caesar and Cleopatra walked through the casino to cheers of "Hail, Caesar" from all the dealers.

OIVM #2: My friend Bethie (new to the world of Craps) rolled so well her first time at the table, she got a nickname ("Thundercat").

OIVM #3: Guy in front of us in the brunch line faints, but mumbles "I'm fine, let's keep going" despite not being able to stand up.

OIVM #4: Fat Elvis wearing a Santa cap.

OIVM #5: Topless review where women in thongs sing Christmas carols, giving the song "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" an entirely new meaning.

Ah, yes, got to love Vegas at Christmas time. But, despite my losses at Craps, I'll probably be up for going again next year. In the meantime, I'm going to the mall where at least I know that I will get something for my money, even if it's an electronic golf scorer for Dad.

Vegas, Baby!

Today, my hubby and a couple of friends are off to Vegas for the weekend. I realize this is not the season to go, but I can't think of a better way to spread holiday cheer than spending a weekend in sin city (isn't this what Jesus intended?). Okay, so probably not, but then again, there's nothing quite like the sound of jingle bells - on slot machines.

It's a celebration of sorts. I've turned in "I Did (But I Wouldn't Now)" which will be coming to a book store near you at the end of April. Look for it there and online! Buy it early and often!

So my apologies, because you probably won't be hearing from me for awhile, and if I win big - at all, ever! Okay, just kidding. I wouldn't just abandon you like that. I promise. This is because a) I like you; b) I'm under contractual obligation to Simon and Schuster to finish out my teen lit books; and c) I almost never win at slots.

Anyway, if you happen to actually live in Vegas, I'll be the girl at the craps table shouting "Mama needs a new pair of Jimmy Choos!" I'll have that wild look in my eye reserved for alcoholics and people with gambing problems.

I'll be back next week, unless I bet my laptop on black (Did I mention that Mama needs a new pair of Jimmy Choos!?).

I'd Rather Be Naughty Than Nice

Okay, so I'm in the bah humbug mood that always hits me after I spend hours addressing those darn holiday cards. Oh yeah, I'm filled with holiday spirit. It's called a serious hand cramp.

Seriously, I think I'm mailing a Christmas card to everyone in the known universe. If you haven't gotten one from me yet, don't worry - it's on the way.

Don't you ever wish you could be totally honest in those Holiday cards? Like: "Dear Aunt Edna, I haven't seen you since I was six years old. I don't know why I'm still sending you Christmas cards, since you keep confusing me with my cousin who went to drug rehab, but Happy Holidays!" or "Hey, cousin Todd! Why don't you get a job and quit sponging off Uncle Ty? He's got four other kids to support. Merry Xmas!" or "Dear in-laws, can't wait for the passive aggressive remarks over the Christmas ham. Season's Greetings!"

Maybe I ought to write a blanket newsletter like some of my other relatives do. I love these, by the way. "Tommy scored three goals at soccer this year! And Bob is now head of the church choir!!"

These letters are always mind-numbingly boring. Why? Because you KNOW they're lying. They're leaving out all the really good stuff - all the bad news. (And people, you aren't fooling anyone by throwing in a bunch of exclamation marks. We know it's still boring, even if there are "!!!!" at the end of every sentence. It's just screams false enthusiasm.)

I want to write one that's totally honest. Like, "Dear Friends and Family, this year was an exciting year for my husband and me - we spent it drinking! Heavily! It's quite possible we're alcoholics, but we don't care. We're drunk!"

Okay, so I clearly have an attitude problem. It's probably all the Christmas music at the mall. I guess I'm just not a Bing Crosby fan. It's all his fault. Dreaming of a white Christmas? Ha! I'm dreaming of a Christmas with self-sealing holiday cards that address their darn selves. Here's wishing you all a very short Christmas card list this year.

Nyquil - Shaken, Not Stirred

So, I've completely fallen off the blog wagon. I told you this would happen. I'm terrible at regular diary entries (see the dozens of half-started journals in my closet) and now here it has happened again. Sorry, dear blog readers!

Thankfully, I've got a legitimate excuse. I have a headcold, and so when I'm not downing Nyquil shots, I've been watching some really bad TV (including a Jackie Chan movie involving vampires and Kung Fu - I swear it's a real movie, and not just a fever-induced hallucination). That I actually watched said movie from start to finish tells you the state of mind I'm in. The idea of getting up and fetching the remote from my husband's chair was just too much effort.

I think I've shopped myself sick. You know, it's that time of year when I spent hours at the mall trying to figure what the heck my Dad and/or brother could possibly want.

I don't know about you, but I'm already sick of holiday shopping. Seriously. I've gotten myself FAR too much already. Ha. Ha. Kidding. Sort of. I've got that whole "one for you, two for me" problem. You see, when I'm out shopping, I can never find a gift for my Dad, but I find tons for me! Is that wrong? I suppose it's not quite in keeping with the season.

Lucky for me, being sick doesn't stop me from shopping online. Thank you Ebay! Kidding. Sort of.