Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Spawn of Brangelina

So, I'm sure everybody's heard about the Spawn of Brangelina by this point. Everything I've read has people betting that this will be the best looking baby on planet earth. But, frankly, who wants that kind of pressure? I mean, what if he/she isn't the perfect human being? What if - gasp - he or she is... ugly? It's possible, people. It's what's called God having a sense of humor. The joke is always on us.

At any rate, I don't think the media's been more interested in a baby since, well, since Federline's #3 (Spears #1).

Now, here's the thing. I am not going to take sides or join Team Jolie or Team Aniston. Let's face it. Brad has paid dearly for his defection. Would you really want to jet off to Haiti or Zaire every weekend? To do volunteer work? I mean, look, I realize the humanitarian aid is commendable, I do. But, frankly, I am way too lazy for that. So call me uncaring, but I don't want the jetlag or the Dysentery.

And trust me, after awhile, the whole humanitarian thing will wear thin. It's like when you first start dating a guy and he SWEARS he loves your friends and/or Lifetime and/or dumb romantic comedies. This is called The Honeymoon Period. It's the same time that we pretend that we don't care that he leaves the toilet seat up or his dirty socks on the floor. After six months, though, all bets are off. We stop being nice.

One of these weekends in the not too distance future, I foresee a Brangelina fight that goes something like this:

Angelina: Come on, Brad. Time to go.

Brad: Dammit, Angelina! The game is on! And we just went to Zaire LAST weekend!

Angelina: You're so selfish! Think about the children.

Brad: I am thinking about the children. Speaking of, just WHEN are we going to stop adopting? I thought you were just kidding when you said one from every country. I never thought you were serious!


P.D. said...

Honestly, I think the reason Brad and Jenn divorced was cause she didn't want kids. The whole, I need to keep my figure thing. As if Demi Moore doesn't look totally hot after what, 3? AND she's hooked up with Kutcher.
Kids are overated anyway, believe me. It's all fun and games until they pop out. All the, "OHHHH, did you feel it kick? Or (from the grandparents) I can't believe my BABY is having a baby.
No one tells you about the happenstance, that every godknowswhen generation we have twins shit, huh? Only when you're 5 minutes after the most gowawful pain, they ask if you can "push" again. I could have pushed a MAC truck just with my internal muscle at this point.
So, as you can see, I'm not a big Brittany Spears fan. She had it marked on her calendar and had a c-section. Lazy bitch if I ever saw one.
The way I figure it, Angelina will just fly the baby in. (Don't ask me how, but betcha she knows). AND she won't have any scarring OR strech marks. Sheeesh, can I have a break here?

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