Happy Day-After-Memorial Day

So, I, like most of you, spent the weekend in somber reflection of the sacrifice of our veterans. And by somber reflection, I mean stuffing myself with an obscene amount of bbq, while awaiting word from Namibia about Brangelina's baby.

Thankfully, the Brangelina baby made an appearance, so now we can all stop obsessing about how the World's Most Beautiful Baby can never be president of the United States (being born on foreign soil). I mean, sure, the baby is being touted as the New Hope for Humanity's Gene Pool, but she'll never give a State of the Union address. Unless Schwarzenegger manages to get an amendment passed before Shiloh turns 35.

In other news, it's hot here in Chicago. And by hot, I mean that it is really freakin' hot. Now, I grew up in Dallas, where you could get third degree burns from your steering wheel if you were foolish enough to leave your car out in the sun without a windshield visor. So, I like to think I'm tough, but frankly, my condo is sweltering. I knew it was bad yesterday when my Yankee Candles started to melt without being lit first. The real problem is that I, like most Chicagoians, don't have central air.

Even my laptop is sweating. And that can't be a good thing. I tried to find refuge at the mall, but the closest one to me is an outdoor mall. I don't know what genius figured that was a good idea (Christmas shopping in three feet of snow, anyone?). Thankfully, Nordstrom is air-conditioned, and has all the major life support needs (food and drink at the cafe, shoe sales and an endless supply of beauty products). If they had a bedding section, I would've probably slept there.

I'm off to buy a Super Giant Big Gulp. I think maybe if it's big enough, I could try swimming in it.

Stay cool!

Girl Fight, Part Duex

So, the girl fight continues.

You can take a sneak peek at the cover of "This is NOT Chick Lit" on Amazon (black with bold pink print). For those of you who don't know, I'm in the opposing anthology called "This is Chick Lit," available in June. (For more on this, see my last post.)

Now, to add fuel to the fire, Gloria Steinem has been quoted as saying:

“This Is Not Chick Lit is important not only for its content, but for its title. I’ll know we’re getting somewhere when equally talented male writers feel they have to separate themselves from the endless stream of fiction glorifying war, hunting and sports by naming an anthology This Is Not a Guy Thing.”

Now, I have immense respect for Gloria Steinem. But, I think the whole idea that anything with "chick" in the title is demeaning is taking things a bit too far.

I like chick flicks. And chick lit. And chick rock. Heck, I even like the Dixie Chicks. It might, although I'm not positive here, have something to do with the fact that I AM a chick. I mean, what next? Will I have to abandon pedicures and shopping because it will undermine my credibility? Or stop watching Desperate Housewives or Gray's Anatomy because my husband makes fun of them?

Not to mention, I think Ms. Steinem might be out of touch. Has she heard of Metrosexuals? "A Guy Thing" today might include an eyebrow wax.

But, all that being said, I am a feminist, but I'm also a humanist. (I'm rooting for both sexes - that is, unless my husband wants the remote).

Girl Fight

So while I'm figuring out just what Novel 5 is going to be about, there is a way to get your chick lit fix BEFORE next spring.

In fact, at the end of June, there's going to be a fantastic short-story anthology out called "This is Chick Lit" featuring authors such as Lauren Baratz-Logsted (The Thin Pink Line), Jennifer Colburn (The Wife of Reilly and Reinventing Mona), Arielle Papa (On the Verge), Heather Swain (Eliot's Banana), Caren Lissner (Carrie Pilby) and Me - of course.

The reason this book is called "This IS Chick Lit" is because there's an anthology by a group of authors called "This is NOT Chick Lit" coming to a book store near you. Now, I don't know if you all know about the brewing debate about Chick Lit, but it basically goes like this:

There are some women writers who resent their fiction being labeled as "chick lit" and feel it's demeaning and undercuts their literary credibility. There are other writers - like me - who don't really care what you call it, as long as readers find and enjoy said books.

The dueling short story anthologies point out the differences in both camps. Personally, my general philosophy is to write for readers, not write for critics, so I don't really care how derisive the New York Times is of girly covers. I mean, I'm not writing for them. But that's just my two cents.

Anyway, look for This is Chick Lit, coming soon!

Some news and a glimpse into the future

First off, I'd like to say thanks for everybody who's written in to say they like "I Did!" I seriously must have the fastest (and smartest) readers of any author I know. You guys are the best.

Second order of business, for those of you fast, smart readers in the Chicago area, I'll be at Barbara's Books in Marshall Field's in the loop tomorrow at noon signing copies of "I Did (But I Wouldn't Now)." By the way, they make fabulous belated Mother's Day gifts (at least, my mom thinks so).

Third order of business (and not in any way the least important), Sara posted a very good question on the blog recently, which is "What's next for me in chick lit?"

Unfortunately, the answer is: I don't know.

I'm between contracts at the moment, and my agent is talking to my editor right now trying to work out a new agreement. Fear not, I suspect that I'll still have a chick lit book out in 2007.

As for possible topics, I'm kicking around the idea of a sequel to Dixieland Sushi (Jen goes to London to meet Riley's quirky family and then when Jen's family gets word that she's (possibly) eloped the whole Nakamura clan flies in).

The other idea is one I'd been thinking about for a while, a kind of he-said, she-said modern retelling of Taming of the Shrew. But, at this point, maybe neither one of those ideas will actually become a book. You never know with these things. Ideas are strange that way. Some of them are definitely book-length, while others pitter out around fifty pages.

Sara says she wants to see a sequel Pink Slip Party - and so do I! I'm just trying to figure out the best way to do it. When I have a stroke of brilliance - which I haven't had yet, but one can still hope - I will let you know.

Dirty Dish-ing

So, I must apologize because I have been woefully neglectful of a very important topic - celebrity gossip. I've been entirely too book-focused of late, and have skirted my responsibility (as a consumer of People magazine and occassionally US Weekly) to dish dirt on celebrities.

Frankly, even for the part of my brain that stores celebrity gossip (I believe it's the entire left side of my brain, because I certainly can't do math), it's been a bit of an overload recently.

Where to start? Katie Holmes, Suri and Insane Tom Cruise (I'm sure Tom will sue me shortly after this is posted to have this removed from my blog)? Denise Richards running off with Richie Sambora? K-Fed officially being crowned the Most Fertile Man in North America?

One of you asked recently about my thoughts of Britney and K-fed's news, so I suppose I should start there. Recently, I defended her against the tabloid speculation that Britney wasn't in shape because she was preggers (because she wasn't Playboy-ready in 2.4 seconds like the rest of Hollywood's elite). I thought even Britney, whose bad judgment is legendary (marrying K-fed, going barefoot in trucker bathrooms and driving with baby Sean Preston in her lap) would know better than to let Kevin near her without proper protection (Frankly, I would be wary of sharing an elevator with him at this point). I was, however, proven wrong.

All I can say is that I certainly hope Spears, Jr. #2 benefits from the hardwon parental lessons of Sean Preston. And, that Britney forgoes nanny help (least spending too much one-on-one time with K-Fed leads to Accident #3).

Now, on to the Denise Richards saga. I met Denise and soon-to-be ex Charlie on the set of the Lifetime adaptation of "I Do (But I Don't)." (And yes, I realize this is name-dropping, but as I've said before, what's the point of meeting celebs if you can't tell people you have?) Lately, my friends have been asking me if the 10.2 minutes I spent in Charlie's company led me to believe he was capable of surfing (possible child) porn, or doing any of the other things alleged in Denise's custody battle papers.

The answer is no. Charlie was very well-behaved, had a firm handshake, was all eyes for baby daughter Sam, and carried on a very pleasant conversation with me that had nothing do with drugs or hookers. He was very nice, in fact. He said he'd seen my book around the house and liked the cover art. I'll take compliments, even when I don't deserve them (for art I didn't create), so that earns him points in my book.

I can't pretend to know what happened between those two (although I do because I carry on the charade that they have my number on speed dial), although the very fact that Denise is now allegedly roaming about L.A. with Richie Sambora tells me perhaps poor Denise might be suffering from some of the same problems Britney is in the judgment department.

But what do I know? That's just my two cents.

The Lockwoodettes

There are a group of friends I thank in the acknowledgements of "I Did (But I Wouldn't Now)" that I call my back-up singers, the Lockwoodettes. The lead singer, Ms. Kinsella, I dished about last week. Her tearful antics have sold me dozens of books, and for that I am forever grateful.

Not to be outdone, Kate Miller decided to buy out the local Borders herself. Lockwoodette Swartz had this to say about Ms. Miller:

Cara,
Let me paint a picture for you...Charlie [Ms. Swartz's adorable schnoodle] and I are walking down the street last night around 7pm, much to our surprise a cute vintage Volvo slows down & out pops Kate Miller's head. She pulls over, we cross the street to say hello & as I slowly approach the car I peer in to say hello-- there it was...the ENTIRE front seat was filled with fresh brand new copies of "I did (But I wouldn't Now)"!! I think she wiped out the store's stock--she must have! I think she even justified her actions by saying "I did leave a few for other people!"

Anyway just wanted to keep you updated on your roaming PR team & if you check sales stats, I'm positive they spiked around 6:30 Monday evening--its all Kate's fault

It just goes to show that the Lockwoodettes work very hard to earn their acknowledgements. Thanks, girls! And by the way, anyone else doing incredible PR feats (including but not limiting to: getting strangers and/or friends to buy the book, buying multiple copies, and/or moving books around the bookstore for better placement), you, too could earn a shout out in future books. Email me with your PR stories. I'm nothing if not easily bought.

Marketing Whores are a Girl's Best Friend

Okay, if you live in the Chicago area, you might already know my friend, Bethie. She knows everyone in Chicago, although she claims there are a few people she doesn't know, but we all know that's just false modesty. Bethie, one of my nearest and dearest, is a woman of many talents. She not only puts Martha Stewart to shame, but this graduate of Second City is not afraid to corral strangers in book stores to buy my books.

Just last night, she convinced two strangers to buy my book by her patented "I'm in the acknowledgements" ploy, in which she heads to the front tables, picks up my book and then promptly bursts into tears. When she has a big enough crowd, she'll tell people the reason: that she's in the acknowledgements of said book. She claims she only does it to ensure she has a spot every year and because, naturally, she's my "Midwestern representation" and a self-proclaimed marketing whore. Honestly, if my books came with gold plaques, she'd have her name engraved.

Did I mention how much I love this girl?

Of course, she also extends the same PR to her two uncles, also published authors, Kevin O'Brien, a.k.a. master of the suspense novel, and her other uncle, Mike Leonard, whose new book is already on the bestseller lists.

Anyway, Chicagoians, beware. She's coming to a book store near you, and she's not afraid to cry.

Even Desperate Housewives Read

So, I used to be a huge fan of Desperate Housewives. Who wasn't? Then, it sort of got a little dull in the first half of the second season. That's when I turned the channel to BBC America and started watching Footballers Wives (if you haven't seen it, you must!).

Recently, however, I've tuned back in to DW, and it's gotten interesting again. I mean who isn't secretly hoping that Edie finds out Susan is the "other woman" and then beats the snot out of her? I'm sorry, but I've seen way too many close-ups of Susan's "oops - I screwed up again!" face.

But, I digress. The point is that back when Desperate Housewives was must-see Sunday TV (and it's creeping back up my Tivo list as we speak), I wrote an essay for a book about Desperate Housewives, called "Welcome To Wisteria Lane," which hits book stores later this month. Okay, so maybe I need to work on my sales pitch on this one, but even if DW has been uneven, this collection isn't!

My friend and fellow Downtown Press novelist, Beth Kendrick, also has a fantastic essay on motherhood (anyone who feels Susan ought to quit using her daughter as a therapist, needs to read this essay!).

My essay deals with the dangers of suburbia. Why is it that all the intrigue on TV soaps happens in the 'burbs? You've got to read the essay to find out! Check out the book on Amazon.

Tom Kitten and other calamities

Hi all,

So sorry I've been awol this last couple of weeks. I was trying to free Katie Holmes from the insanity that is Tom Cruise, but alas, I was unsuccessful. Is it just me, or does she have a glassy-eyed look in all the pictures of hers like her mind's permanently situated in its happy place? Personally, I think whoever was Tom Cruise's publicist for 10 years before she was fired and replaced by his sister, deserves serious kudos. He or she sat on a volcano of craziness for years and never let it actually erupt.

When I wasn't running celebrity interventions, I've been busy launching the new book - "I Did (But I Wouldn't Now)" - which is in some stores now, and coming to all stores very soon. You can also buy it now on Amazon or Barnes and Noble.

And, in other news, I've finally joined the new millennium and gotten a page on Myspace. Given that I am over the age of 30, I feel a little like a creepy old person, BUT, some of my 20-something friends say it's the all rage among the kiddies, so I'm trying my hand at it, because you're only as old as you feel right? Anyway, my myspace page is http://www.myspace.com/caralockwood. It's bare and ugly because I am a myspace virgin, but I'm learning folks! If you're on myspace, invite me to be your friend. I think I have three friends at the moment, and one of them is Tom, which doesn't count because he's everybody's friend.

Mom really DOES know best!

Okay, I'm sure you're sick of me singing my own praises by now (I could lie and tell you that I am, too, but really, does a person ever get tired of bragging? I mean, really). My only excuse is that I'm sure I'll get an ugly Amazon review that will make me want to spend the day in bed, and this is just to balance all those out.

Two more reviewers sound off about "I Did" and they agree with Mom:


http://www.romancejunkies.com/artman/publish/article_4708.shtml

and


http://freshfiction.com/review.php?id=7971

Mother always knows best

It's less than a month now until the May 2 release of "I Did (But I Wouldn't Now)" the sort-of sequel/spin off to "I Do (But I Don't)" and I'm excited.

It's gotten at least two good reviews - one from an objective critic and one from my mom, who has never claimed to be objective, but has said, repeatedly, "I think this is the funniest novel I've ever read, and I'm not just saying that because I'm your mother and I have to."

Mom also says that this novel is funny until the very end, and doesn't let you down, like some other books do. That's mom-speak for "I liked it. I REALLY liked it! And I'm not just saying that because I'm your mother."

Now, if that doesn't sell you on the book, I don't know what will. This is my mom we're talking about. Forget the New York Times. Moms always know best.

Now, I won't tell you what my brother has to say on the subject, namely because he doesn't read my books. In general, his motto is "I don't read anything except the sports section" and if pressed, he'll say, "You want me to read this? It has purple on the cover!"

Viva la France

In keeping with my last post on international exposure, I thought I'd share a fan letter from France I got this week about the French-translated "I Do (But I Don't)":

Hi,

I have just finished "Mariages, etc..." and I loved your book...
It's not so easy for me to explain in English, but your book was
fantastic, I laughed a lot, and even in Paris it rained a lot,
your book was a sun shine for me!

It was a real pleasure, and i hope to read your books very soon.
Thanks a lot
From Paris, and under the rain!

I'm international, baby! Actually, it was quite fun to get the French fan letter, and I was doubly glad that it came in English. I nearly flunked French in college. We had a language requirement, and I made the mistake of signing up for an 9 a.m. five-day-a-week language course during my freshman year. I didn't realize how early 9 a.m. was in college. I believe I slept through half of those classes, which is probalby why I nearly failed.

Kudos to my French fan. If I'd tried to write a French author in French, I would've probably started an international incident. I think the only word I remember is "Bibliotheque" - the word for library. That's exactly what my dad wants to hear after paying my tuition, too.

Did anyone order Thai?

In The New York Times last week, they wrote about how chick lit is finding an international market, popping up in countries all over the world.

This week, my publisher sent me copies of "I Do (But I Don't)" translated into Thai. The cover is attached, here, but don't ask me to translate, because the only Thai I know is "pad Thai" or "Panang curry" which I don't think counts.

I keep teasing my husband that I'm going to rocket to fame in Thailand, just like David Hasselhoff became a rock star in Germany, where he's more popular than Brad Pitt. I can't wait for the interview in Bangkok where I talk about how Americans just don't appreciate my singing and dancing talent.

The Thai version of "I Do" is actually its second tranlsation. Last year, it was translated into French. And Pink Slip Party is currently available in Norweigan.

I think Norway has to be my favorite international cover (see right). The kick-in-the-pants is pretty much the universal sign for being laid off. And come on, can you beat the Scooby Doo like cartoon? I think not!

If only this had been the American cover, I think Pink Slip would've hit the New York Times Bestseller list for certain.

Baby Fat

Okay, so I'm not a huge fan of Britney Spears, but even I have to admit the side by side photo (shown here) that's been running on TMZ.com is a bit harsh. The photo shows Britney pre-baby from April 2003 to post baby April 2006.

You see, there's a rumor going around that Brit and K-Fed are expecting - again. There's another rumor going around that Britney just can't lay off the KFC. What neither rumor considers however, is THIS plausible explanation: Maybe it takes more than 2.3 seconds to lose baby fat.

Heaven forbid that a celebrity have a baby and then not get into Playboy Centerfold shape in three months. For once, I think we ought to lay off Britney. She's not endangering her child here and she isn't risking hepatitis by walking barefoot into a trucker bathroom. The only thing she's guilty of as far as I can tell is perhaps bad judgment in choosing the two-piece.

Equal Rights Now... For Men?

Normally, I don't discuss political issues, unless you consider red carpet attire political, and I suppose it is, in Hollywood. But, I read about this story today, and I couldn't help myself.

A 25-year-old man in Michigan is suing his ex-girlfriend claiming he shouldn't have to pay child support because he didn't want the baby. By the way, nothing says Stand Up Guy like one who wants to go on record on CNN telling the world he told his girlfriend to abort their daughter. You know, because that'll never get back to her, when she's say, 16.

While that in and of itself has a definite slime factor (he's clearly in the running for Deadbeat Dad of the Year Award), what I found even funnier was the National Center For Men, which is a group advocating "equal rights" for men, who are calling this lawsuit the the "Roe v. Wade" for men.

I went to their web site to see "their issues." I was expecting to see a "Keeping the Toilet Seat Up" campaign, but what I found instead was a laundry list of gripes, including:

1. Men don't live as long as women
2. Women have complete control over their reproductive rights, but men have no control, and can have parenthood "forced" upon them.
3. Men get screwed in most divorces
4. Men earn more money, but women spend more (yeah, not kidding on this one!)
5. Men have to make the first move in most new sexual relationships

Well, I don't know about you, but I don't really feel sorry for men on any of these counts. I didn't realize that our society was oppressing men (keeping them away from drugstores, where latex products are sold, for instance). I like men, and I do think it's not easy to be one (especially in these metrosexual days), but I just don't buy that most guys are at a social disadvantage to women, unless you're talking about how we get to wear much cooler shoes, and then I agree. Then again, our shoes are far less comfortable than yours are.

And the Oscar goes to....

Jon Stewart.

All right, so (my favorite comedian - go Daily Show!) took some harsh words after his hosting of the Oscars Sunday night (my equivalent of the Superbowl). I am going to defend him here, even though I have nothing whatever to do with the movie industry - save that "I Do (But I Don't)" Lifetime Movie, and well, we all know that can't win any Academy Awards - although it should. You know, at least for Best Screenplay.

At any rate, I watch the Academy Awards every year. Why? I don't know. I like movies, yes, but it's the same reason I watch the podium ceremonies at the Olympics, I suppose. I want to see somebody acheiving their life dream, and I want to see some tears, people. It's the same reason I watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. I know I'm being manipulated, but I don't care! Pass the Kleenex. Sniff. Sniff.

Sunday night's Oscars lacked tears, yes (most of the winners, even make-up artists were like 2-time winners, so this was old hat). And some TV critics said it lacked laughs from host Stewart. They put him in the same category as David Letterman and Chris Rock - edgy comedians that just didn't play well at the Kodiak Theatre.

Well, here's what I want to tell Hollywood and the Academy (because, you know, they'll listen to me): Edgy comedians are - hello? - EDGY. If you put them on stage at the Oscars, they are going to poke fun at Hollywood. And personally, I found Jon Stewart hysterical. When he joked after a pompous montage of clips from socially important and relevant movies that "And none of those issues were ever a problem again" - Hilarious.

I think Hollywood in general ought to stop taking itself so seriously at Award shows and start taking movie making a little more seriously (At the Oscars we were told to go see more movies in the theatre, but our choices this weekend inlcuded a movie about a teenage mermaid and a remake of Pink Pather. Thanks, but I'll pass).

Other sure-fire ways to improve the Oscars:

1. More Jon Stewart, less musical numbers involving interpretive dance.
2. More acceptance speeches, less not-so-funny spoofs on acceptance speeches
3. More booze (like the Golden Globes), less montages promoting the social value of Hollywood.


But then, again, it doesn't really matter what they do, because I'll be watching again next year. Even if they ask Billy Crystal back (please, don't get me started on his musical intro numbers - ack!).

You Like Me. You Really Like Me.

The first advanced review of my new book "I Did (But I Wouldn't Now)" (soon to be released May 2) is in, and it's positive!

For those of you interested in reading someone else praise my talents (and I know I am), check out Fallen Angel Reviews.

My husband wanted to know if "Fallen Angels" included Lucifer, and if I'd sold my soul for a good review, but I assure you, dear readers, this is not the case. I have no affiliation with Fallen Angels, other than agreeing on their excellent taste. And, for the record, if I was selling me soul, frankly, I'd hold out for the New York Times. My soul doesn't come cheap, okay?

"I Did (But I Wouldn't Now)" is a spin-off of my first book, "I Do (But I Don't)" and it follows the misadventures of Lauren Crandell's little sister, Lily. For those of you who don't know Lauren, she's the neat-freak, compulsive wedding planner from "I Do (But I Don't)" (ahem - Now an Original Lifetime Movie starring Denise Richards).

I must apologize for my blatant marketing message. I suffer from a sad condition known as Compulsive Shameless Self Promotion. I am getting help. I am.

In the meantime, as I seek recovery, let me just say "I Did" is now available for advanced purchase on Amazon. Okay, that's it. Last bit of compulsive marketing.

A Return to Abnormalcy

So, a hopeful writer writes:

"When you are writing a book, what does your schedule look like? I am trying to write and I have bursts of genius and lulls where like you, I would rather watch curling than be creative. I would appreciate any light you could shed on helping me figure out what is 'normal.'"

First of all, I think that like body shape and how much pop culture you can take, there really isn't any such thing as normal, except what's normal for you. I, for instance, find that my creativity often goes in spurts, too, and it's really great if my creative fervor happens to coincide with a looming deadline. Not so good if it doesn't.

I am not very good at scheduling or time management, which is probably why I fritter away most of the day IMing, emailing, and talking on the phone. Given that one of the perks about being a writer is sitting at home in your fuzzy slippers all day, I have to work hard to make sure I don't become a social hermit.

Once that's taken care of, I typically realize about 7 p.m. that I've wasted the whole day and I ought to get to work. My husband thinks this a concerted effort to avoid him when he comes home, but really, it's just a by product of procrastination. I find I do my best work from 8 p.m. to 2 a.m. most days, but that's because I'm a night person.

Also, because my books are under contract to a very large publisher (Simon and Schuster) I am usually staring down a very difficult deadline (Average time to write a book: 7-8 months). So, typically, in the last two months, I'm writing all the time, whether I'm in the mood for it or not, because I really don't have a choice, unless I want to take my book advance and fly to Costa Rica, and the sad fact is I don't speak Spanish.

But, if there's anything I can tell you, it's this: If you're in the mood to write - by ALL MEANS WRITE! It's hard enough to do when you feel like doing it. Trust me, when you have an editor calling you about deadlines it's even less fun.

Also, I've found that if I write a little bit - even if it's just an hour - a day, that helps keep me in the story, and keep my brain thinking about the story I'm working on. So, I guess, ultimately, my advice is write a little bit every day (if you can) and make writing a priority especially when your creative juices are flowing.

Gold Medal in Procrastination

I have to admit that it’s simply amazing I finished one book, not just three (going on four). It’s true. I have a procrastination problem. To give you an idea, I was supposed to be working on revisions to my newest book (a teen, youth lit venture called Bard Academy) and I got distracted this morning by the women’s gold medal curling competition.

As if actually watching two hours of curling (think shuffleboard meets ice bowling) isn’t enough proof that I would rather do almost anything instead of work, you should know that the USA wasn’t even in the competition. We’re not, after all, known for our curling. The gold medal championship was between Sweden and Switzerland (Sweden won – I know you wanted to know this. Try bringing it up at your next cocktail party, and watch the room’s conversation skid to a halt).

I personally think there ought to be a gold medal in procrastination, because then I would definitely win it – that is, if it was okay if I showed up late, and did almost all of my training in the twenty minutes before the actual competition.

Better yet, we could have an entire Olympics based on procrastination. I already have some of the sporting categories: Computer Solitaire Freestyle, Web Surfing Downhill, Deleting Annoying Chainletter Emails Short Program, and my personal best category, Instant Message Cross Country (this involves IMing people in other states). No one can IM as many people as I can at once. I believe my record for open IM windows at one time was nine. Sure, Sasha Cohen can skate, but can she type as fast as I can? I think not.

So bring on the medal competition. I’m ready to fly to Torino. At least, I’ll be ready right after I finish this round of Yahoo Chess.

My Fake Memoir

I'm sure many of you have heard of the James Frey controversy. The author of "A Million Little Pieces" was officially spurned by Oprah, and made a pariah on her hour-long special berating the former addict who likes to lie.

The thing is, I sort of feel a little sympathy for Mr. Frey. I mean, let's face it, if I wrote a truthful memoir, then it would involve me in my pajamas 80 percent of the time, where my most exciting event of the day would involve me standing in front of my refrigerator, sniffing at old yogurt and trying to figure out whether or not it's edible, even if it's three days past it's due date.

It's not exactly the sort of mind-blowing, nail-biting, page-turning writing that makes for a best-selling memoir. I suppose that's why I write fiction. My own life is pretty darn boring.

Still, I can understand why people feel angry about being mislead by Mr. Frey. But, I also think there are bigger problems in the world than having one author mislead us about whether or not he got a root canal without novocain. I am a big believer in the power of books, but I also think books only take us so far.

And I'm going on record as saying that if I ever write a memoir, trust me, I will exaggerate. In it, I'll be model-thin, tall, and have never had a zit my entire life. Oh, and in every argument I ever had with my husband, I was totally right. And for that last one, I don't even have to lie.