Sunday, September 11, 2005


My husband does not dance. He says this is for the good of mankind, because he has such an extreme case of white-man-itis, that if he did dance, those in the near vicinity would go blind.

My husband's dance-handicap makes it difficult to attend weddings in particular. We went to a great one this weekend (Congratulations Sam and Martha!) where everything was perfect and they had a so-fun-can't-stand-it Mariachi band. Now, my husband does not do white man's dancing (the one-two sway move) so he definitely doesn't do salsa. This left me, alone, on the dance floor (again), with a lot of other wives/girlfriends whose boyfriends suffer from white-man-itis.

I realize that there are many other conditions in the world worth curing (like cancer, for instance), but I think we ought to look into the white-man-itis phenomenon. I don't quite understand it, because, come on - who looks cool dancing to "YMCA" or "I Will Survive"?

You'd think my husband thought there was an Olympic Judging Panel beside the dance floor that was busy rating his particular rendition of the Funky Chicken.

Olympic Announcer #1: "Oh, that botched footwork on the triple-axel chicken wing is going to cost him, John. At this level, you've got to stick the landings if you want to take home a medal."

Olympic Announcer #2: "It's heartbreaking to train for a whole wedding season, and to see all that hard work come down to a single footing mistake. And look! He's spilled his drink. That's going to cost even more points. He's clearly out of medal contention."

My husband says he's doing the world a favor by staying off the dance floor, but I'm not so sure. Maybe he stays away because it reminds him of his now-dead dreams of becoming an Olympic Ice Dancer. Or, he's simply afraid of showing everyone else up with his mad dancing skills.

Daren to world: You've been served.

And guys - don't forget - if you donate at least $25 to the Red Cross for the victims of Hurricane Katrina and send me your donation receipts at before the end of September, you could win a signed copy of "I Do (But I Don't)." Just email me your donation receipts at I'll be picking winners on October 1.